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Golf Humour

Actual comments from a Golf Channel announcer

Feherty is a Golf Channel announcer who finds very unique, colourful and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind...... Probably always on time delay these days.

Feherty Quotes:

“Fortunately, he (Rory) is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body.”

“That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn’t find it if it was wrapped in bacon.”

“I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn’t be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife.”


“They don’t do comedy at the Masters. The Masters, for me, is like holding onto a really big collection of gas for a week. It’s like having my buttocks surgically clenched at Augusta General Hospital on Wednesday, and surgically unclenched on Monday on the way to Hilton Head.”

Jim Furyk’s swing - “It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.”

"That's a great shot with that swing."

"It's OK - the bunker stopped it."

At Augusta 2011 - "It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it."

"That was a great shot - if they'd put the pin there today."

"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."



Male Sensitivity

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.


New Golf Book
 

Greetings,

 

You may not know it but I've been very busy over the past 2 years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf. I am very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy. Here's the Table of Contents from my new book, "Winning Golf Strategies," which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I've gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of golfing partners.

 

Table Of Contents

 

Chapter 1 - How to properly line up your Fourth putt.

Chapter 2 - How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.

Chapter 3 - How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.

Chapter 4 - How to get more distance off the Shank.

Chapter 5 - When to give the Ranger the finger.

Chapter 6 - Using your shadow on the Greens to maximize earnings.

Chapter 7 - When to implement Handicap Management.

Chapter 8 - Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.

Chapter 9 - How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post ... Undetected.

Chapter 10 - How to rationalize a 6 hour round.

Chapter 11 - How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.

Chapter 12 - Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.

Chapter 13 - How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.

Chapter 14 - How to relax when you are hitting three off the Tee.

Chapter 15 - When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.

Chapter 16 - God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt.

Chapter 17 - When to regrip your Ball Retriever.

Chapter 18 - Use a strong grip on the Hand Wedge and Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.

Chapter 19 - Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 tip, but will balk at a $3.50 Beer at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.

 

Hopefully you will find my book intriguing and purchase a copy. 

 

Thank You!

 


Outdoors Man

When my Doctor asked me If I led an active life I told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a deep lake, barely escaped from a wild feral Pig in the thick bush, marched along a treacherous track up and down a mountain with false crests, stood in a patch of itchy, poison bush, crawled out of a pit of quicksand, and then barely escaped jumping away from an aggressive King-Brown snake." 

Inspired by my story, the Doctor said  "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!" 

"No," I replied,  "I'm just a sh*t golfer."

 


 

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. 

Golf ! You hit down to make the ball go up.
 You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. 

Golf is harder than baseball.
 In Golf, you have to play your foul balls. 

If you find you do not mind playing Golf
 in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip ......... your life is in trouble.


Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot. 

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ...neither of whom can putt very well. 

An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse. 

Golf's a hard game to figure.
 One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink. 

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game. 

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you. 

Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.
 

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.


 Eight Iron

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an  
Eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron.


Fore!

My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother.

"You have to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?"
"Five," answered the nephew.
"Okay," my brother said, "let's go."